Don’t get me wrong, I love living in America. We are home to the Big Mac, country music, Michael Jordan, Starbucks, “David After Dentist”, New York City, Facebook, and the original Disneyland. But we’re also home to Al Capone, 80-hour work weeks, rampant childhood obesity, Rush Limbaugh, the filibuster in a non-parliamentary system, and the Kardashians.
Whenever I get to harping on the negatives, I think about how much I wish I was British. I know we seceded from them for numerous reasons, but I can’t help but think about how cool it would be to live over there. While it tends to rain a lot, and they aren’t known for having great teeth, I think I’d do very well across the pond–and not just because I (kind of) already speak the language. Why do I think I’d do well, then? I’m glad you asked
1. I’d get to wear spiffy hats all the time and not feel self-conscious. Even though I look great in hats, they aren’t as ubiquitous (or as spiffy) over here.
2.I’d be much closer to Andrew Garfield, Tom Hardy, Prince Harry, and any other hot men with British accents (Sorry, Hubbster, but your British accent is terrible).
3. People wouldn’t make fun of me for liking Doctor Who.
4. I’d get to say ‘Bollocks’ and ‘Bugger’ all the time without sounding like a twit. They’re just more fun than American swear words. Plus, I’d be closer to Germany, so throwing in a ‘Scheisse’ on occasion would also be more appropriate.
5. I’d have a valid reason to drink tea and eat various fruits and pastries in the middle of the day. The Brits really know how to do tea time right.
6. a) I could marry a nobleman and forever be a ‘Duchess’ or a ‘Lady’ or even a ‘Princess.’ Yep, Harry is still up for grabs, and he’s a surprisingly attractive ginger.
b) Even if I didn’t get to marry Harry, if enough people died, I could be royalty. Apparently that’s a thing in England–counting how many places you are away from the throne (at least according to What A Girl Wants, it’s a thing).
c) In the event that Harry marries someone else, I will at least get a day off of work, get to see a parade, and have a reason to buy all of those commemorative plates and dolls that came out when Kate & William got married, because I will have witnessed it.
7. I’d get excited about things like the Diamond Jubilee. From what I could tell by the coverage, it was just a bunch of British people standing around in the rain, draped in Union Jacks and watching a boat turn around. That’s not really something that non-British people tend to get excited about.
8. I’d get to attend more regattas. Those are the parties for boats/rowing/things like that, right? Whatever they are, they’re sorely lacking in my current social calendar.
9. My children would be extra adorable. Haven’t you noticed that kids with British accents seem to be way cuter? Well, they do. Look up ‘Charlie bit my finger.’
10. I could shop at TopShop without having to go online or get on a plane. Seriously, that place is amazing. Even better than H&M.
11. I’d get to name my house something fancy, like “Rosepetal Estate” or “Dame Judy Dench Cottage”. I’d totally name my house after Judy Dench. She’s awesome.